Sometimes it seems that my efforts are pointless. It's not like staying home is as easy as it sounds. At work I would receive a task and a deadline. I'd easily complete it and then move on. Very rarely would I have to go through it over and over again. Now, it seems as though I am on a wheel just hopelessly spinning away as the world around me stays still and unchanged. Needless to say, this little hamster is tired, but there is no sign of rest. For some reason the wheel is important and all the spinning will someday pay off, I hope.
The little things matter, or so I have come to realize. Little things like a clean sink, fresh towels and 3 homemade meals a day. Or even fluffed throw pillows and a stocked supply of hand soap. These are the rulers of my everyday life- the intricate yet simple details that make life a bit easier and (should) allow time for the bigger things in life. Unfortunately, as I write this I am itching to finish tonight's dinner. I prepped it earlier so that I can have some time for myself, but I find myself overwhelmed with a laundry list of things I should be doing instead. The list's nagging voice makes me insane and yet it reminds me that I should take a few minutes to not do the mondain or, rather, the very necessary things and just relax. This reminder causes me to freak out and stress out because I have learned (through talking with my husband) that I have lost it. It being the ability to relax.
Imagine a hamster. A cute, fluffy ball of whiskers with brown beady eyes. Now imagine this hamster on a wheel enveloped in fire! That's me. Imagine now, a passer-byer telling this sweet hamster that she should have more baby hamsters. That just one baby hamster isn't fair and that sure, maybe she's at her wit's end now, but that in two years or so she will want a cage full of more hamsters.
Comical, but this is what I hear and feel like on a weekly basis and I have had it! I would love to say I desire a house full of babies like the old lady that lived in a shoe but, and I know many would say that I am being "selfish", I rather be a stinky old shoe than succumb to that kind of life. Is it selfish of me and my husband to want to provide for our child and not have to live pay check to pay check? Is it selfish of us to know our limits and realize that we only really want and can provide for one? Or is it selfish to say "she needs a sibling" or "we can't just have one, what wold people say?" Sorry, but I am not sorry for only wanting one child. If we are blessed with more then we will accept it as a blessing not as a goal met. There is no amount of peer pressure that can change our minds. Plus, who wants to live in a shoe?
If you are still reading, thank you. I've needed to vent for a while and I'm sure this entry is a scrambled mess. But, I only get a few minutes here and there to jot my thoughts down and I have many, many thoughts... Another thing I must say is that I can't imagine having to go to work and leave my baby at home or with anyone else. I know it is a hard thing to face. Yes, I do know that I am blessed that I can stay home with her and I thank God for it everyday. All I am saying is that this too isn't easy. Staying home is a 24hour job. There is no end. No clocking out, hardly any breaks and taking a 15 minute shower is a luxury. I commend mothers that do it all, and I really, really hope we all get a FAT Mother's Day gift, a sappy heartfelt sentimental card and the largest bouquet of a our favorite flowers topped off with a simple and sincere thank you. why? Because mama hamster deserves it.
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