During our first night home our dog had to adjust to no longer sleeping in our bed (it was never my desire for him to do so) or being allowed near his newest little pack leader for the first two weeks ( per Cesar Millan's suggestion). It was not easy to say the least. Mind you we had only been training him for a couple hours when I had my first break down. I was sobbing thinking he would eat my baby's face while she slept or bite her new tender skin when I wasn't looking. I mean, I thought the absolute worst! I remember thinking- I love my dog but never as much as I love my daughter. I love her more than I love myself, more than life itself... It then hit me like a ton of elephants, this overwhelming love. It made me worry, happy, sad. It made me dream and it gave me nightmares.
No one told me just how much I would love her. This little stranger I only met a couple days ago has single hand-idly overtaken every aspect of my life. My past was no longer as bleak nor as wonderful, my future no longer as important and my present was absolutely consumed by her. My body was exhausted, my mind restless and my emotions ran amuck! My poor husband made sure I got enough sun during the day. Our daughter's pediatrician would tell him to make sure I got enough vitamin D and gave him a list of symptoms caused by post-partum depression. His paternity leave was mainly used up to care for this crazy new mommy.
It is perfectly normal to experience moments of post partum depression, A.K.A the Baby Blues, during the first four weeks of giving birth. For me it would often occur right before bed. I would cry at the drop of a hat. A wave of sadness would flood over me and there was no stopping it. My husband would just let me cry. His suport and understanding, not to mention his amazing patience, got me through the darkest of nights.
I began taking inventory on what exactly it was that was triggering these teary moments. I quickly realized it was exhaustion. I was afraid of "bed time" because I couldn't sleep through the whole night. Obviously because I was up with baby. It was also fear. I feared everything would happen to her while she slept; therefore causing me to stare at her to make sure she was breathing. Guilt was the last culprit. I couldn't stay asleep even when her daddy would stay up with her to feed and burp her. I felt bad. I thought that I should be the one to comfort her, the one to change her diapers and rock her to sleep. Otherwise I was not a real mommy. Tears, tears, tears. I felt like a villan and a victim all at once. I felt selfish and selfless and there was no real consolation for the fact was I was depressed. That's what it boiled down to. I was depressed.
I'm smiling as I write this because it left as quick as it came and I made it out! There are still some moments of loneliness but never as powerful as before. I'm grateful for my husband who wouldn't leave me alone, who would try to make sense of my fears, unsuccessfully finding solutions for them. He pushed me into going for walks even when I refused. Having that kind of support is essential for recovery. Encouraging yourself is just as important. Knowing the triggers helped me somewhat prepare for the water works. Embracing/accepting this short episode in motherhood really helped. As well as being open about it or sharing my thoughts, although a bit crazy, helped air my mind out like opening a window in a dusty room. Finally, educating myself about post partum depression gave me the relief of knowing that it I wasn't the only mommy that gets sad, happy, worried, and crazy- emotions that altogether define motherhood, an experience I would never regret.
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